Libby’s Scribb1es

'Sup, Dudes!?

Siobhán and I have decided that our friend, Anna Log, needs a cellphone. It's just a pain in the ass getting ahold of her right now, but to respect her weird obsession with all things analog, we've at least been kind enough to just get her a dumb phone that can only do calls and texting. That way, her bitching will be reduced to a minimum (we hope).

"But Libby," I hear you saying, "What the hell is that thing you're knitting? What is a cellphone cozy anyway???"

Well, my not-so-gentle reader, a cellphone cozy is a little thing that some of Brian's friends describe as a "sock" that can protect your phone and help prevent things like butt dialing, scratches, and being a lame-o conformist. Here's a "real" one that Brian's mom knitted (unfortunately, I can't knit "real" things, because I'm just a drawing):

Cozy without cellphone.

Cozy with cellphone.

Now, I bet you're wondering how to make one. Well, you're in luck, because I've got a pattern RIGHT HERE that you can follow. (And if you can't follow it, that's your problem!) Here we go:

(You may notice that this is all done in inches. If you have a problem with that, all I have to say is: Get a life! These are the units the pattern is in. If you want it in some other units, like the Ancient Greek daktylos or something, then you can work that out yourself. If you're old enough to read this comic series, you're old enough to find the other information you need to convert units without pitching a fit because not everybody in the world constantly conforms to everything you're familiar with. All of this shit comes from arbitrary decisions and really doesn't matter.)

SUPPLIES:

• Machine Washable Sock Yarn (#1)
• 8 Double Pointed Knitting Needles (4 in US Size 1 and 4 in US Size 2)
• 1 Stitch Marker
• As Many Scissors as you think you'll need (≥ 1)
• 1 Tapestry Needle

MEASUREMENTS:

1. Figure out the number of stitches per inch you make by knitting a small swatch on the US Size 2 needles. Then write down:
• ______ stitches/inch on #2 needles.
2. Measure around the skinny dimension of your cellphone (the horizontal axis if you're in Portrait Mode) and write that number down:
• ______ inches (circumference of the cellphone).
3. Multiply those two numbers together and write down the answer:
• ______ (maximum number of stitches to use for the cozy).
4. Subtract two or three stitches, so that you get an even number. Write that number:
• ______ (official number of stitches for the cellphone cozy).

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. On #1 needles, cast on the Official number of stitches for the cozy.
1. Divide the stitches among 3 needles.
2. Put marker at the end of the stitches
2. Work in the round in K1P1 for ½" – ¾".
• This is going to be the "cuff" or opening of the cozy!
• (For Knitting N00bs: K means "knit" and P means "purl".)
3. Switch to #2 needles and knit all of the stitches until the cozy is your desired length (probably something that will cover your whole phone)
4. Bind off in a Kitchener Stitch (Google it).
5. Fasten off and weave in the loose ends of yarn with your tapestry needle.

And there you have it! A spiffy, new cellphone cozy for the low-low price of materials, time, and reading one of my Scribb1es! I'm hoping that Anna will appreciate the cozy I'm making for her cellphone. After all, it adds a nice, hand-made fun-ness to these "soulless, number-crunching hell machines," as Anna calls them…Siobhán is a bit skeptical, but I think she's just jealous that I'm doing something way cooler by knitting the cozy, whereas all she got to do was buy the phone. (I think it's a fair split, though…In fact, I'm probably paying more with my time, effort, and having had the original idea of Anna needing a cellphone than Siobhán paid to buy the cellphone.)

Another thing that's great about giving Anna a cellphone cozy is that, since she's getting a dumb phone, people won't think she's got it as a burner, because clearly, she cares enough about it to protect it within a nice, snuggly cozy!

Okay, that's it for now. I've got to finish this cozy up, so that Siobhán and I can give this to Anna for Festivus or something. Maybe next weeksomething cool will happen!